Posted by: carolg1849 | March 16, 2009

David McMillian: Don’t let critical friends drain you


David McMillian: Don’t let critical friends drain you | ShreveportTimes | The Times.

This is the way to deal with judgemental and negative behaviours in B PD, stay calm, dont let it iterate you, good answer from the Dali Lami, see below!!

MARCH 16, 2009

Dear David: How do I deal with a friend of many years who is so negative and judgmental toward almost everyone that she ends up alienating anyone around her after very long? She even talks about others being judgmental and doesn’t seem to realize how much she does the very things that she criticizes others about. Why does she do this and what does she get from it? I want to stay friends but I feel completely exhausted when I spend any significant time with this person. How do I deal with this? — Sucked Dry

Dear SD: It’s interesting that you sign your letter “sucked dry,” because as I was reading your question, I thought about the old Dracula movies. There are indeed emotional vampires all around us, but instead of blood, they will suck the energy right out of you. Some common types of emotional vampires are victims, narcissists, controllers and criticizers. A criticizer is one who truly believes that it is their God-given right to offer what they would call “constructive criticism,” even if it makes you feel horrible. These vampires’ comments can range all the way from minor critiques to tarring and feathering you. Conventional psychology says that criticism is a tendency inherent to many personality disorders, especially borderline, obsessive-compulsive and narcissistic. These vampires probably are mimicking critical parents and also are perhaps secretly judgmental of their own “shortcomings.” The self-hatred going deep down in these folks is projected outward and onto others around them. If I get so busy with everyone else, I don’t have the time to look closely at myself, so the judgment and blame serves an important function. The key to dealing long-term with this type of person in your life is to practice detachment. Allow me to suggest some specifics:


• Consider the source. Criticism is extensive in our world. People have multiple opinions about how you “should” feel or be. Refuse to dwell on criticism. If you respect the person who is making a suggestion, by all means consider it but don’t dwell on it. A good rule is to try not taking anything too personally, even if it’s meant that way. People say untrue things all the time.

• Graciously let the comment pass. The Dali Lama says “Sometimes silence is the best answer.”

• Address a misplaced criticism directly. In a matter-of-fact, firm tone say “I can see, you’re trying to help. However, when you’re critical, it’s hard for me to hear you. It doesn’t feel good when you ______. I’d appreciate it if you would back off and consider a different way to talk with me.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: